Sunday, November 9, 2008

Mixed feelings

So I am feeling like I am going to cry! I am trying to sell stuff on craigslist so we can buy the girls stuff for Christmas. I hate that! Last year I spent money like it was nothing. Now I cringe every time we have to buy diapers or new socks or anything. We have this stupid Grinch doll that is 5 feet tall and hideous. But Leah loves it! Well, I have it on craigslist and I have a lady interested. But it is going to break Leah's little heart. The lady is willing to pay $100 for him. But do I sell it to buy Leah more crap for Christmas or do I keep him and not buy as much? She calls him "my ho ho". I am feeling really depressed about this whole present thing. I know the girls are young and don't really care as much. But, I want to give them the world. Is my care during the day worth robbing them of material things? I feel like if I go back to work, I will miss out on so much. I know I will miss out. But, if I don't, am I being selfish? Do they need me or do I really need them? Leah got so sick the other night when we went out for the great date night at church. She threw up all over the place. She needed me there. I felt guilty that she had to look to someone else for comfort. I know that is what will happen if I go back to work. When she was at Lainie's, I was so jealous. I wanted to be there to wash her face and watch her grow. But I was stuck at work. She was spoiled with material things. I enjoyed working there. I didn't mind working. But I hated that she was somewhere else. Now here is kind of different. I don't have Lainie or Pat or my mom to watch her and give the girls all the love in the world. I have to give them that. If they went to daycare, they would be just another kid. But they aren't just another kid. They are my special miracles from God. We are broke all the time. It sucks. But, am I shortchanging them if I send them to daycare when we can scrape by and I can stay home? Or would it be better for all involved if I go back? Sometimes I feel inadequate as a mom. I feel like by my staying at home I am being egotistical. Like I am saying that I am SUCH an awesome mom. I am really not that great. I don't do as much as I should with them. I am an unorganized mess. But I love them. I love those babies so much. No one else can love them like I do. When Lainie was watching Leah, I felt like she loved her like she was her own. But, not like I do. Being so far away from everyone that we know and makes this decision even harder. If Pat or my mom were around to help with watching them...I would go back next week. But they aren't. And that's another thing.......come visit us! I am so homesick for how things were. I love the decision Jeremy and I made for our family. But it is so hard being away from all of you. I look at a picture I took on my phone last year at Christmas right before we left and it makes me cry every time. It is my mom holding Leah and my mom has her eyes scrunched tight like it was the last hug she would ever give Leah. I hate that we did that to our girls, by taking away their extended families out of their lives and I hate that we did that to our family. It breaks my heart. I know we made the right decision for our family. But it is still hard. I guess that is why I am feeling the pressure for this Christmas. I feel like I need to make up for something because we aren't going "home" for Christmas. We are going to have an amazing Christmas with my dad. But I will still be homesick for you guys.

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